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Men may come & men may go..

 

 

 

 

 

 

LOVE WITH A CONDITIONImage result for lovehurts symbols

 

Maya’s point of view

Waking up next to my husband of 1 year always felt great. There were times I couldn’t believe I had a husband especially who was so perfect. I get up and go straight to the kitchen to prepare a wholesome meal for Vikram before he leaves for office.

 

Vikram joins me soon after taking a bath and getting ready for his big meeting today.

“All prepared darling? Do you feel nervous?” I smile at him.

“No not at all, can I get my tea as fast as possible please.” He replies, clearly in a hurry.

I nod and serve him a piping hot cup of tea. He gulps it down quickly. He gets up to leave, “I might be late tonight, don’t wait up please. I love you”, he kisses me and leaves.

I beam at him just before he gets into the lift.

 

Vikram’s point of view

I get in the car immediately, letting out a sigh of relief. That went well for a change. I thought she would snap any minute and I would be late for my meeting. I cannot waste time on trivial things like drinking tea because her mood changes like fashion trends, quickly and unforgivingly, I couldn’t afford that today. Having a wife, with a disassociative personality disorder sure have its cons. There are days when her violent side gets ticked off of something trivial and I have to stay to make sure she doesn’t hurt others around and most importantly herself. At that moment it doesn’t matter how afraid I am of her, I have no choice but to stay.

 

The only person aware of it other than me is my close friend and colleague, Sanjay. That also because he was the first and the last one we called home for dinner after our marriage. We found out together and it has been our secret ever since. I have tried my best to hide it, we don’t have guests at home, we avoid public functions as much as we can, it has all worked out and nothing has gone wrong. Yet.

 

Sanjay always asks me why I continue to endure it. That I could leave whenever I wish to. But I always refuse. Perhaps having seen my parent’s divorce at the tender age of 10 affects my decision. I have seen them suffer and I always thought that giving up was easy but holding on and trying to make adjustments and compromises was difficult. And I don’t like easy.

 

Moreover, the Maya I married is such an amazing woman and I am completely head over heels in love with her. The happiness that she has given me, which I never thought I could get after seeing my parents separate, means the world to me. So I feel that I can endure the vicious side in order to remain with her benevolent one. After all isn’t marriage about being together through good and bad.

 

With this thought I start my car and leave for office. Hoping to have a decent day.

 

Maya’s point of view

I finally finish the amazing meal I have been cooking since morning for Vikram and put it all together in a jute bag. I hate plastic bags, they destroy nature.

I plan to take his favourite dishes to his office in hopes of surprising him and enjoying a great meal with him.

 

I call a cab because according to Vikram I am not good enough at driving just yet. Huh, what does he know.

 

I reach in half an hour and hurry straight towards his office to set things up. God, this is going to be fun.

 

Vikram’s point of view

Getting out of the meeting I feel completely drained. Board meetings always include a fight which create problems for everyone. So nursing a headache, I walk towards my office, indifferent to everyone around me.

 

As soon as I am about to enter the room a voice stops me.

 

“Hey Vikram! How are you?”

 

I turn to find Alisha standing behind me with a huge grin on her face. Alisha is an intern at our office. She is young, tenacious and has a lot of potential. She reminds me of my younger sister Shweta and therefore I treat her as one.

 

I proceed to hug her. She returns my hug warmly.

 

“How have you been madam? Extremely busy to meet your friends eh?”, I tease her.

 

“Well I have been busy but how can I ever be too busy for you Viki bhaiya”,she replies sweetly. She is such a lovely girl.

 

So we stand there talking to each other for sometime before I realise a presence around. I turn around and right in front of my office door I find Maya, standing with nothing but pure wrath in her eyes which I have unfortunately become very familiar with.

 

Maya’s point of view

 

I set up the table, decorating it with flowers and candles, being as romantic as possible. This will be an evening to remember for sure.

Suddenly I hear whispers. Probably some office people.

 

I have been waiting too long, where is Vikram?

 

I decide to look around outside, in hope of finding Vikram or Sanjay.

 

I grab my purse and open the door. As I step outside, I see Vikram talking to a beautiful young girl. Too young in fact. Almost as old as his sister Shweta. She says something and they both burst out laughing. He looks so young right now, carefree and happy. Does she make him happy? More than I do?

 

I can feel my anger boiling up. As if on cue,Vikram’s eyes meet mine and he visibly pales like he has seen a ghost. I can only imagine what must be going through his mind.

 

Vikram’s point of view

Maya. What is she doing here?

 

I immediately walk towards her, like a reflex and block her view.

 

“Hey darling! What a pleasant surprise.”, I smile at her. She just keeps staring in Alisha’s direction. I am scared for her right now and all I can think about is how to keep Maya away from her.I take a peek inside my office and find it decorated with candles and flowers in a very romantic manner with all my favourite dishes plated up.

 

“You did all this for me? How amazing is this”, I smile and try taking her in the room. She is a little rigid at first but soon follows my lead. However, before she can reply, Sanjay walks in.

 

“Hey I wanted to ask you about this assignment..”, he stops mid sentence when he sees Maya. “Oh! Hey Maya I didn’t know you were here.”

 

“Yes, she surprised me with this astounding feast. Sanjay can you do me a favour? Stay with Maya for few minutes and I will be right back.”, Sanjay gives me an understanding nod. I thank him silently

 

“Maya I will be back soon. I forgot something in the board room.” I kiss her on the cheek and dash for the door. I have to take Alisha away from her and soon.

 

 

Maya’s point of view

Sanjay leaves after an hour due to an urgent meeting.

I assure him that I am fine and will wait for Vikram to discuss things with him. He looked unsure but had no choice but to leave. He is a nice guy. So is Vikram. Sometimes I do feel guilty about using him. But he is such a lovely and loyal guy that leaving him would make me a nincompoop.

 

I met Vikram at a mutual friend’s party and knew at that moment that he was a keeper. But so did every girl who met him. He is a selfless person and relationships mean a lot to him despite his parent’s divorce. Probably that’s what made him persistent to find true love. He didn’t want to end up like them. And as far as I am concerned, I am an ordiary girl. Average in every aspect of life, so I knew I had to stand out somehow to get him. That’s when I decided to pretend I HAVE dissociative personality disorder. My parents were psychiatrists so that just made things easy for me. Every possible book about the disorder was available at my doorstep.

 

My parents agreed to it too because they wanted me to be happy. They always did. They were busy people and never really had time for me so they did everything I asked them to in order to compensate for that.

 

Vikram ate up the story the moment I told him because he has a soft corner for people with mental disorders and I was so convincing due to my profuse knowledge of the disorder. He is a regular visitor in many of the NGOs helping mentally unhealthy people.He is a gem. My gem. I would never do anything to hurt him and I don’t want to lose him. Nobody has ever cared for me as much as he has. For instance he doesn’t let me drive because he thinks I might lose my sanity any moment and endanger my life. I will never leave him and I won’t let him leave me. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. In our case, it will be my little secret that will make our marriage a success in the end.

 

I am his soulmate and he is mine. My betrayal will not matter in the end. After all betrayal can only happen if you love. Even if his love for me stemmed from his sympathy for me.

 

My betrayal is the truth and that is the only truth.

 

DREAMS

Image result for dreams symbols

I might avoid you during the day, but how can l avoid you everyday in my dreams.

Where do l get to be away from you? Sleep was suppose to be my getaway. The one time where l could be away from you..in a world where l still have peace.

 

However, I do prefer the dreams over the reality because the only thing constant in my dreams is you. You still trying, making an effort to reach me, to be with me. Though l wake up feeling hollow l do not mind those moments with you where l feel happy, collected and peaceful.

 

The worst is l can’t even come to you with my problems anymore because you are not you anymore. You have shut down and it scares me to go to you. I cannot hear you say ‘I don’t want to talk about this’ again.

 

It breaks my heart and so l will just find solace in those dreams which were in fact suppose to give me peace as they do but in a different way than l expected.

YOU JUST WANT ATTENTION

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You don’t want my heart and l DONT want to give him my heart
I don’t want to get back with him. I am sure of that. When l fall weak or miss him it’s not because l want that disastrous relationship back but because l miss a part of me that l am leaving behind by ending this relationship. Every cell in my body knows l wasn’t happy in that relationship and yet my mind, the mystery that it is, remembers the parts that were good and not the ones which made me want to end it every single day. Nostalgia is a funny thing really. It reminds you parts of your life not how they were but how u wanted them to be. Every touch,every breath is exaggerated. I get over it everyday..but every new day is a struggle and l begin again.l know l am gonna do something stupid when l wake up and nobody will understand it except me.And now as this insomnia engulfs me, the only thought circling my mind is what are u upset about? Yes you loved him and were attached to him but it wasn’t good for a long time and you know that. No, you don’t want to get back because you know what he wants is for you to plead and beg him to be in a relationship at his OWN terms where he wouldn’t have to change a thing and you will have to live a lifeless relationship again. You can’t do that either. So what does this overactive brain of yours want? Him on his knees begging for YOU to come back and you rejecting him? Maybe. But why? What satisfaction will it give you? All it will do is hinder your attempt to be happy right now, independent of his actions. Petty things like these will not help you, it will destroy you. Worse, it will not even disturb a hair on his head. It will be the most difficult thing l do probably..Coz l have to get over my own ego..pacify it to figure out who l am and what l want.Sure now l have all the various reasons of why l shouldn’t have been involved with him for the second time anyway. Maybe it was just his way of asserting his power over aswin, maybe it was real. Maybe this maybe that. I will never know the answers to all my questions. We don’t always get the closure that we seek. But l have got the facts. He dumped me in the same way for the second time and l cannot take that kind of shit from anybody. So the trick is to put him in the list of people who don’t exist for me anymore, l am quite experienced with that and give my time and attention to important things and people who deserve it. To learn from this one so that you know what you exactly want when entering into the next.And what the hell, everybody knew he didn’t deserve me anyway!

GUILT IS INBUILT

Image result for guilt images

Being guilty is a full time job. You might forget it in a particular moment but it is still gnawing at you somewhere at the back of your head. Your every move becomes a strategy to avoid it. But that doesn’t help does it? It never goes away. It is stuck to you like your shadow. Dark and omnipresent. But it’s not fair you know. We feel guilty about the ‘could have beens ‘, ‘should have beens’, and the ‘what ifs’. We did what we thought was right without realizing what the consequences will be in the future. And that’s how it always will be right? We can make decisions based only on the present situation given to us. Time will decide whether it was right or not. So why this guilt? Why does this emotion even exist. All it does is ruin our present. It cannot correct anything. And like most emotions you end living more in the past than in the present.

SOMEONE LIKE YOU

Image result for love images

You did a million things wrong but you managed to do a few things right too. And when l look back l see those times so clearly.
The time when u held me because l was freaking out about our future. You got frustrated with me sure but you still managed to remain calm and made me calm too.
God knows your anger stays at the tip of your nose but you couldn’t stay angry at me. Ever. That made me feel special.
I remember once when you were cooking chicken at home and l was in my room on the phone. You walked in and l asked to remain silent because l was talking to my grandparents. You just came in and kissed my forehead. Probably the best thing u have ever done. It was so sweet.
You constantly clicking my pictures and taking videos in the beginning of the relationship made me realise you valued it this time.
I still remember all the late night calls. U used to sleep but u used to call me whenever u saw my message. I miss those the most! I used to wait for them.
I miss waiting for your calls when u said u would call and out video calls. I have the most horrible pictures of u because of that.
I once remember on Diwali l had gone home and sent u a picture all dressed up and you said jaldi se wapas aao mere paas..never forget it.
I miss u calling me baa! Trying to explain me things when l was being irrational.
You used to sit with me and my friends in the canteen even if you were the only guy surrounded by 6 girls..you were there.
Then you suggesting going to kfc randomly made my day.
I loved when you were spontaneous. I had seen all that and therefore it was difficult to see our relationship degrade.
I hate using the past tense when talking about you..talking about us. But now it’s not the same. We can’t talk the way we used to and that makes me sad. There is a constant dilemma..I want to talk to u because l miss you but at the same time l can’t because what we had is not there anymore and l don’t know how to be around you now.
I remember ALL these great memories..u getting me momos.. what u said about not being with a mallu girl and so much more but l can’t afford to remember them because whenever I do l want to just run back to you. Be in your arms on my bed and just stay there..forgetting the damn world. But l can’t. It’s not possible anymore. So much has happened. We can’t go back to who we were. You are an amazing guy but you are probably not mature enough for a relationship right now.
Someday you will make a great husband and a father. I hope l get to meet you that day.

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